30/01/2011

Goodbye dear friend, addio

The world has changed. Colours are less vivid and sounds are duller. There's no place for the sun or the stars - much better a lightless sky or a rainy day.

The world has changed because you're not in it anymore.

It just doesn't seem right that things go on as before, as if nothing has happened. The alarm still sounds in the morning. Kids still laugh on the bus and lovers still kiss in the street. None of them know that you are gone.

That day just passed in a blur. A marker between before and what replaced it. Phone clasped to my ear, shaking in the street. Half from cold and half from something else. Hands pressed to my face in the toilets, holding it all in - strange emotions never felt before, coming in 9ft waves, drowning, drowning.

I know in time I'll be able to remember you without pain and with dry eyes. The good times, and just you - your punk way of viewing the world, your stubbornness. Your kindness and your wide smile, always there no matter what.

I'd like to say you were too good for this world, that's why you had to go. But you'd never let me get away with that, and you'd remind me of all the mischief you used to cause. The time you spat on the door handle of a police car, and how we laughed thinking about the expression on his face when he came back and opened it.

Memories will bring comfort. But it doesn't seem fair that that's all I have now. I'll never see you again, never hear you say, "Ciao, tesoro". Never be able to cook for you like I said I would, never be able to give you back your dear dad's scarf - the surprise that I knew would mean so much.

You'll not be at my wedding, though I can't bring myself to remove your name from my invite list. And you'll never meet any children that I might have. You'll never be a day older than 35.

One day soon I will think of you and smile. But until then I can't quite manage to walk with my head held up high.

Addio Dario, my dear friend. Love you always. You have left such a hole. Not just in my life, but many others - you can see that just by looking at the hundreds of messages left on your Facebook. We'll all miss you so much.

I thought you'd be in my life forever. Can't believe I was wrong.

14 comments:

  1. I find this sort of thing almost too upsetting to read, but I stuck it out to the end because you, and he, deserve that. A fantastic tribute, I hope things get easier for you and everyone who misses him in the days ahead.

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  2. Thank you so much for your kind words MLS. It hurt a fair bit to write it, but I'm glad I did.

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  3. This is so beautifully written and such a tribute. I'm so sorry and hope you get to enjoy the good memories soon x

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  4. So sorry to read about your loss. I too nearly gave up reading this post, too upsetting, so soon after my two recent posts about my younger brother, but am glad I read it all. I wish I had a magic cure to ease the pain of such tragedies. If I had, I would gladly share it with you. In deepest sympathy - hug

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  5. So sorry to read about this, it's so sad. I hope it helped a bit to write it all down. Lots of love from me and hubby xx

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  6. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, Kath. 35 is no age to go. It is a cliche, I know, but time does heal all wounds and in time you'll remember Dario and smile. It sounds like that's what he would have wanted you to do.

    xx

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  7. Thanks so much for all your lovely comments. I know it'll get easier with time but it's ever so hard right now. Writing this surely helped, as has all the support and nice comments. xxx

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  8. So sorry for your loss, this is such a beautiful piece of writing though, you are so talented xx I am glad that my little video made you smile xx

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  9. I'm sorry for your loss and the pain it must cause, but as others have said, this is a brave and beautiful piece of writing and a lovely tribute.

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  10. Oh Kath, I'm so sorry to hear about this. What a beautiful tribute you've written though. Lots and lots of love xxx

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  11. it hurts my heart to read this..i'm sorry about your loss. hugs from a stranger...lovely writing, perhaps we can follow each other? i'm a new follower for ya

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  12. I am so very sorry for your loss. I don't know what to say in moments like these, except that I must say something... just to let you know that we all care. I feel your pain and wish I could give you a big warm hug and let you know, someday, you will smile again.
    Abrazos y besos carino.
    xoxox...

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  13. Thanks so much everyone for your lovely comments, they really mean so much. xxx

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