It's a situation you might have found yourself in once upon a time. You're on your first (or maybe second) date and it's looking promising. The wine is flowing, the company is interesting, and you've found yourself getting giggly and flirty. Much to your delight, you fancy the pants off your companion for the evening, and you realise the feeling is mutual as he leans in for that magic first kiss.
Then joy turns to horror as your date clamps himself to your mouth and tries to extract your tonsils while covering half your face in a shower of saliva. Think the face hugger from Aliens, and you've pretty much there.
Though I have had that experience in my life before, in the comfortable realms of long-term monogamy it's now a distant memory. The same cannot be said of my mate Two Shandies. On her continuing quest for her half orange, she has come up against this slight hurdle in her latest conquest Mr Pony.
Mr Pony – christened by PB due to the fact he's a bit posh and likes to ride horses round his parent's ranch, is currently number one on Shandies' internet dating list.
Below was the lowdown after their unexpected first date (Shandies was on her way out to the gym when he called, but ditched treadmills and weights for drinks in la Latina.)
GOOD POINTS:
1) Tall and rather dashing
2) Broad shoulders
3) Easy to talk to
4) Gave me lift home
5) Waited to see I had got inside ok
6) Dark Spanish look
7) Sent me a sweet text saying how nice I am and he'd like to see me again
NOT SO GOOD POINTS
1) Maybe a little posh (he mentioned his parent's country estate - one half is woodland and the other has the cattle!)
2) He speaks at ten zillion miles an hour, felt like I was in an advanced listening exam
Promising. And good how the negatives weren't "bad points", but "not so bad points". Only two of them, both of which weren't so bad at all. So far so good. Then the revised list arrived after their second date (which involved three wines and a bit of snogging)
GOOD POINTS:
1) Really sweet guy and I fancy him
2) Understood him better this time
3) Seems to like me
4) Even wrote me a text this morning saying he woke up thinking about me (cheesy but nice)
NOT SO GOOD POINTS:
1) I think his family raise bulls for bullfighting
2) I think he learnt to kiss on the farm (but nothing some subtle guidance won't cure)
As for the bulls – Sa pointed out that whatever Shandies' views on bull fighting might be, it was his family that reared the bulls, not him personally. The second point, well I was a little puzzled at what learning to kiss on the farm meant (practicing with cows and chickens?) but could kind of guess. A Tuesday Club gossip session confirmed my suspicions.
So who's to blame in situations like this? Ex girlfriends - we're assuming he has some - a bad washing-machine kissing gene, over enthusiasm or just lack of practice? Surely men can't learn to kiss like this from watching porno vids (do they actually even kiss in pornos?) And is it an indicator of crap bedroom antics that will follow?
Two Shandies hopes not. She's determined to lick him (ha ha) into shape. In fact she already laid the groundwork by saying dejarme respirar! (let me breathe!) during one of their first smooching sessions.
Judging by the report on their third date, her kiss masterclass went down well. Apparently there was "phone charging and sexual confidence". Just exactly what that turned out to be exactly, though, I will have to wait and see.
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
08/02/2010
24/01/2010
Two Shandies and the second date dilemma
What do you do when a fella you meet on internet dating invites you to his home for dinner on your second date? Does it send out the wrong message if you go? Do you risk getting chopped up into little pieces and put in the wheelie bin? That’s the dilemma Two Shandies was facing.
She’d been asked by her latest candidate in the search for her media naranja (half orange, or soul mate as we would say in English. Don’t ask me why they use that image here in Spain)
It was a case of so far so good. He’d sent his picture and she’d thought he was OK, but not drop dead gorgeous. But on the advice of Sa’s brother – “if you don’t find them repulsive then go on a date” – she’d agreed to meet up.
Unfortunately she got ill on the day they were supposed to see each other. He wasn’t put out though. And while she was shivering on the sofa off work, she got two emails from him containing power point presentations on a) Huelga - the city where he was born, and b) Salamanca – The city where he grew up. Why? To “keep her entertained while she was off sick”
Well she certainly got a laugh out of that, as did we when she told us.
So, slightly bemused but touched by the gesture all the same, she went out for a drink when she was all better. This was the verdict:
GOOD POINTS:
1) Was wearing a stripey top
2) Not bad looking (better than photo)
3) 6ft
4) Fit body
5) Totally loves the UK (ex girlfriend was Irish)
6) Really nice to chat to (maybe I should have put that first!)
7) Didn't grill me about the power points
DOWN SIDES:
1) Messy hair
2) Not much of an upper lip (PB will sympathize)
Well that’s not too bad, I thought. Only two bad points. Kind of weird the number one good point was the stripey top though… Still, messy hair can be tamed with a trip to the peluqueria, and upper lips (or lack of them) can be disguised with a nice moustache. Shandies wasn’t too enthusiastic about the idea of some face furniture but I like it – both the bloke and my dad have them so I’m used to them by now.
PB was really upset about the absence of lippage though. According to her all people with no top lips are inherently evil and cruel. We asked for examples to back up this body part specific racism, but the only one she could give was John Major.
Then came the bombshell. “He’s invited me to his house for dinner, should I go?” This was put to me and PB at Tuesday club.
The immediate reply, from PB was no. “It’s your second date, he should be taking you out, courting you,” she said. “Staying in for dinner’s what you should be doing a few months in.”
I agreed. “Isn’t it a bit early for all that? Going to someone’s house is a bit personal isn’t it? Won’t he think you’re a bit easy?”
She replied: “Just ‘cos I’m going to his house doesn’t mean I have to shag him!”
Oops, good point. Turns out she’s been mainly asking on the safety aspect (ie, will I get murdered?) rather than the moral aspect (will he think I’m a slattern?)
On the first point, we came to the conclusion that he probably wasn’t a rapist or killer, but it she should give us all his details before she went and text us when she left.
But we’d unleashed all these doubts and questions in her head. All thee more so since she’d actually already agreed to go, and was just asking us as an afterthought.
After much too-ing and fro-ing she agreed to leave it as it was. The important thing was that she felt comfortable about the whole thing. Who cares what we thought anyway? God knows how my relationship got off the ground, the tit I made of myself on my very first date with the bloke. After 10 sambucas it’s kind of hard to be cool – especially if you forget your address. In my defence I had just moved house though.
Plus, you can learn a lot about someone from their house. Would she go into his bathroom and find hairs in the sink and be put off for life? Would he have pictures of dogs playing snooker or statues of the virgin mary everywhere? That would surely help her make up her mind.
So the big night arrived and we waited fgor the verdict. Which was:
“Lack of spark I’m afraid. Really nice guy, cooked lovely meal of seabass in a salt crust (which was random as I cooked that for my family at xmas) lovely chat , really easy to talk to but just dont fancy him.”
:O(
Always the bloomin way, the ones I fancy are either not interested or don’t have time for me and the ones I don't like seem to like me.
I think that is called sod's law. Hohum
So the search for Shandies’ half orange continues...”
Good luck Shandies. He’s out there somewhere, I know it.
She’d been asked by her latest candidate in the search for her media naranja (half orange, or soul mate as we would say in English. Don’t ask me why they use that image here in Spain)
It was a case of so far so good. He’d sent his picture and she’d thought he was OK, but not drop dead gorgeous. But on the advice of Sa’s brother – “if you don’t find them repulsive then go on a date” – she’d agreed to meet up.
Unfortunately she got ill on the day they were supposed to see each other. He wasn’t put out though. And while she was shivering on the sofa off work, she got two emails from him containing power point presentations on a) Huelga - the city where he was born, and b) Salamanca – The city where he grew up. Why? To “keep her entertained while she was off sick”
Well she certainly got a laugh out of that, as did we when she told us.
So, slightly bemused but touched by the gesture all the same, she went out for a drink when she was all better. This was the verdict:
GOOD POINTS:
1) Was wearing a stripey top
2) Not bad looking (better than photo)
3) 6ft
4) Fit body
5) Totally loves the UK (ex girlfriend was Irish)
6) Really nice to chat to (maybe I should have put that first!)
7) Didn't grill me about the power points
DOWN SIDES:
1) Messy hair
2) Not much of an upper lip (PB will sympathize)
Well that’s not too bad, I thought. Only two bad points. Kind of weird the number one good point was the stripey top though… Still, messy hair can be tamed with a trip to the peluqueria, and upper lips (or lack of them) can be disguised with a nice moustache. Shandies wasn’t too enthusiastic about the idea of some face furniture but I like it – both the bloke and my dad have them so I’m used to them by now.
PB was really upset about the absence of lippage though. According to her all people with no top lips are inherently evil and cruel. We asked for examples to back up this body part specific racism, but the only one she could give was John Major.
Then came the bombshell. “He’s invited me to his house for dinner, should I go?” This was put to me and PB at Tuesday club.
The immediate reply, from PB was no. “It’s your second date, he should be taking you out, courting you,” she said. “Staying in for dinner’s what you should be doing a few months in.”
I agreed. “Isn’t it a bit early for all that? Going to someone’s house is a bit personal isn’t it? Won’t he think you’re a bit easy?”
She replied: “Just ‘cos I’m going to his house doesn’t mean I have to shag him!”
Oops, good point. Turns out she’s been mainly asking on the safety aspect (ie, will I get murdered?) rather than the moral aspect (will he think I’m a slattern?)
On the first point, we came to the conclusion that he probably wasn’t a rapist or killer, but it she should give us all his details before she went and text us when she left.
But we’d unleashed all these doubts and questions in her head. All thee more so since she’d actually already agreed to go, and was just asking us as an afterthought.
After much too-ing and fro-ing she agreed to leave it as it was. The important thing was that she felt comfortable about the whole thing. Who cares what we thought anyway? God knows how my relationship got off the ground, the tit I made of myself on my very first date with the bloke. After 10 sambucas it’s kind of hard to be cool – especially if you forget your address. In my defence I had just moved house though.
Plus, you can learn a lot about someone from their house. Would she go into his bathroom and find hairs in the sink and be put off for life? Would he have pictures of dogs playing snooker or statues of the virgin mary everywhere? That would surely help her make up her mind.
So the big night arrived and we waited fgor the verdict. Which was:
“Lack of spark I’m afraid. Really nice guy, cooked lovely meal of seabass in a salt crust (which was random as I cooked that for my family at xmas) lovely chat , really easy to talk to but just dont fancy him.”
:O(
Always the bloomin way, the ones I fancy are either not interested or don’t have time for me and the ones I don't like seem to like me.
I think that is called sod's law. Hohum
So the search for Shandies’ half orange continues...”
Good luck Shandies. He’s out there somewhere, I know it.
06/12/2009
Two Shandies and the weird and wonderful world of internet dating
It’s been a while since I was single. And even back then, I can’t remember playing the “dating game”. In fact the only significant “date” which springs to mind is my first night out with the bloke, during which I managed to fall down the stairs in a cocktail bar, split open my chin and graze my knuckles. I think it’s safe to say I was a bit of a disaster.
The same could not be said of my friend Two Shandies, who is now something of a dating ninja. All thanks to our friend the internet.
For the price of 109 Euros you have six months worth of what is effectively online shopping for boys. And for that price you’d better get your money’s worth.
Some people might turn their noses up at internet dating. But I totally get it. Think about it – on your average night out on the pull you might waste hours chatting someone up only to find they’re married, weird, or just not interested.
Of course, you might still get all that on internet dating, but at least you can try and figure that out in the cyber stage, without wasting money buying them drinks.
You have to be careful when creating your online profile though. You don’t want to risk being accused of false advertising by putting a photo that doesn’t look like you. Ones from when you were 21 or photo-shopped efforts are not a good idea. (Apparently if a person only has one photo in their profile that’s a big giveaway)
And make sure you don’t tick any boxes by mistake. Two Shandies accidentally ticked the “pony” box in the what pets you have section, and stated getting emails from a man who was really excited about going horse riding with her.
You have to be dedicated too. According to Two Shandies you will probably like about one in 20 of the people you actually interact with. But that’s OK. At least she gets to practice her Spanish, and has lots of great stories to report back on the ones that don’t get past the first date. For instance…
Mr Interesting
As an ice breaker, Two Shandies asked this guy to tell her three interesting things about himself. His reply? “Number one -I talk to myself a lot. Number two - When I get out of the shower I wear my dressing gown for a long time before I put my clothes on. Number three – I like channel surfing.” (bad)
Mr Rude
He seemed nice so they arranged to meet. Then when they finally did, he took one look at her and walked away without saying a word. She phoned him and his mobile was off. He did get in touch sometime later and apologised, saying he had just got some bad news five minutes before they were due to meet up. So Shandies gave him a second chance but he was awful, and just asked her loads of questions about her sex life. (terrible)
Mr Posh
My personal favourite. This guy actually described his dress sense as pijo (posh) in his profile and said his views were Españolista. He had no photo on his page. Why? “Well, you put your photo on the internet and next thing you know, you’re in a jeans advert in China. When he met up with Two Shandies he wore a tie with a stag on it “because English people like hunting, don’t they?” (quite funny)
Mr Young
He’s tall, blond, with blue eyes, but unfortunately is only 25. So Shandies sent him a message saying: “Que pena eres tan jovencito” (what a shame you’re so young) but he responded: “A mi no importa” (I don’t mind) So that one could still go somewhere. (quite promising)
If the saying goes, “You’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince” then Shandies is surely due to stumble across some blue blood soon. I’m waiting to see how Mr Young pans out.
The same could not be said of my friend Two Shandies, who is now something of a dating ninja. All thanks to our friend the internet.
For the price of 109 Euros you have six months worth of what is effectively online shopping for boys. And for that price you’d better get your money’s worth.
Some people might turn their noses up at internet dating. But I totally get it. Think about it – on your average night out on the pull you might waste hours chatting someone up only to find they’re married, weird, or just not interested.
Of course, you might still get all that on internet dating, but at least you can try and figure that out in the cyber stage, without wasting money buying them drinks.
You have to be careful when creating your online profile though. You don’t want to risk being accused of false advertising by putting a photo that doesn’t look like you. Ones from when you were 21 or photo-shopped efforts are not a good idea. (Apparently if a person only has one photo in their profile that’s a big giveaway)
And make sure you don’t tick any boxes by mistake. Two Shandies accidentally ticked the “pony” box in the what pets you have section, and stated getting emails from a man who was really excited about going horse riding with her.
You have to be dedicated too. According to Two Shandies you will probably like about one in 20 of the people you actually interact with. But that’s OK. At least she gets to practice her Spanish, and has lots of great stories to report back on the ones that don’t get past the first date. For instance…
Mr Interesting
As an ice breaker, Two Shandies asked this guy to tell her three interesting things about himself. His reply? “Number one -I talk to myself a lot. Number two - When I get out of the shower I wear my dressing gown for a long time before I put my clothes on. Number three – I like channel surfing.” (bad)
Mr Rude
He seemed nice so they arranged to meet. Then when they finally did, he took one look at her and walked away without saying a word. She phoned him and his mobile was off. He did get in touch sometime later and apologised, saying he had just got some bad news five minutes before they were due to meet up. So Shandies gave him a second chance but he was awful, and just asked her loads of questions about her sex life. (terrible)
Mr Posh
My personal favourite. This guy actually described his dress sense as pijo (posh) in his profile and said his views were Españolista. He had no photo on his page. Why? “Well, you put your photo on the internet and next thing you know, you’re in a jeans advert in China. When he met up with Two Shandies he wore a tie with a stag on it “because English people like hunting, don’t they?” (quite funny)
Mr Young
He’s tall, blond, with blue eyes, but unfortunately is only 25. So Shandies sent him a message saying: “Que pena eres tan jovencito” (what a shame you’re so young) but he responded: “A mi no importa” (I don’t mind) So that one could still go somewhere. (quite promising)
If the saying goes, “You’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince” then Shandies is surely due to stumble across some blue blood soon. I’m waiting to see how Mr Young pans out.
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