I had a falling out with someone this week. Well, I say a falling out. It was more like a case of crossed wires over something that wasn't a big deal that resulted in me and this other person ignoring each other for half a day. Really grown up stuff.
The thing is, silly little incident that is was, it just confirmed what I knew already - I am not made for arguments, fights or falling outs. That's not to say I wouldn't defend my corner if i felt that I, or the people I love, were being treated unjustly, but I just have no energy for bad energy, if you know what I mean.
Take this week's incident for example. I had resigned myself to just keep sulking but after half a day i cracked. I couldn't concentrate on my work, kept replaying what had been said, what the other person was thinking, what i could say to them, what they would say back. And I just felt wretched about the fact that somewhere out there was someone who might be fuming at me, thinking bad things about me.
Is that vanity, or insecurity, or the sign of a good person? I'm not sure.
In the end I emailed asking if we could clear the air, and after a bit of two-ing and fro-ing the whole thing was sorted, done and dusted. And I felt silly that the whole thing had gone as far as it had.
When i got home that evening i felt drained by the whole thing. it made me wonder how some friends have the ability to keep up arguments and stoic silence with someone for weeks. I even know one guy who has turned his back on his family. Surely keeping up the energy to be mad at your whole family leaves you destroyed?
Maybe I'm just lucky that most of the people i know are pretty easy going people. I can't even remember having a bad argument with my mum during my teenage years, not even when she found out I'd got my belly button pierced. If I did get told off I usually deserved it, and would feel guilty while she sulked, doing the washing up with a pout and slamming spoons back in the cutlery draw with unnecessary force. That told me.
I'm crap at doing the heated exchange of words. I freeze up, I doubt myself, I start thinking I'm in the wrong. i think of things I should have said while I lie in bed later at six in the morning. Tempers are a funny thing, they take you over like Mr Hyde obliterating Dr Jekyll, and make you say things you don't mean. And though you can always apologize and try to take it back, the words can linger dangerously at the back of the mind, like the thought of going back to work when you're in the middle of a holiday, sipping cocktails on a beach.
Mind you, that's not to say that sometimes arguments are necessary. The bloke has taught me that. It's better to be honest, and express your feelings than sulk it out, even when you're heading for a epic scrap. Though I try and keep discussions measured I've lost it at times - even thrown things at his head - but ultimately it's all been healthy, moving forward stuff.
And in return I like to think he's picked up some of my level headedness in return. Or perhaps we've just both grown up a bit over the past five years.